“Reports from the Civilian Crossing Guard Committee”



When they stumbled on a way to really take back the streets
both Brian and Dave had been drinking, heavily for most of the afternoon. It was one of those sessions that began as a simple stop off on their way some place and turned into a full bore think tank collaborative, their final destination long forgotten. Both drank lager, many, many pints of lager as is usually the case for men with a big hunger and thirst for life.
They had decided collectively after the third or fourth pitcher had been drained that their lives were wholly without purpose or meaning. It was something they uncovered accidently and without realizing the magnitude of their discovery. It wasn’t as though each began to beat his chest and bemoan the state of his life with sad, string-based orchestral music playing in the background and faraway looks in their eyes. Each was unemployed and therefore without a daily purpose in the typical cog in the faceless machine sense. Also, neither was particularly desirous of getting a job (both were more than sufficiently suspicious of the capitalist system or at least the part of it that deemed they be productive members of society) they decided that their search for meaning would have to be conducted outside the doors of polite society. There was little for them in the offices and cubicles of the rest of the working world, this was something they knew without ever having to go to an office or even see a cubicle. It wasn’t like they talked about meaning and purpose, per say. They just decided that they could do more for their city and their fellow men than they had been doing so far in their lives. Since neither had a car and viewed the car with the same kind jaundiced eye with which they examined the rest of the capitalist system, it seemed only natural that they figure out a way to mitigate the automobile’s influence on the lives of their fellow citizens.
More pitchers were drained. Plans expanded and expounded upon. A round of pool was played, passably, though neither was much good at it. A game of darts was begun and abandoned without a satisfactory conclusion. Discussions grew animated and acrimonious which was odd as Dave and Brian were in general agreement about what to do. The how to do it was what generated the hottest of these heated discussions. By the end of the night, both were feeling bloated, bleary eyes and quite creased when the bartender, after being subjected to their planning for more than nine hours, suggested they keep a running diary of their encounters with discourteous motorists. Neither Dave nor Brian was in any shape to argue with the man. He even offered to post some of the diary entries on a bulletin board in the bar to warn fellow pedestrians. Truthfully, the bartender was just trying to get them to shut up and never thought they’d remember his promise.
Wednesday, June 21st 9:30 PM (approx.), corner of Lex and S.Hunnigton: Brian writes that he is nearly run over by a Buick as he stops traffic coming W, it allows two females to cross unharmed, driver calls Brian “fucktard.”
Wednesday, June 21st 10:04 PM, cross walk on 400 block of LaFrene: Dave reports many horns honking as he stops traffic for two females and one male, male reportedly calls Dave “chief” and thanks him, the females ignore him completely.
Wednesday, June 21st 11:38 PM, cross walk outside of Lane’s Lounge @ 1st and Crumm: Dave helps two male patrons across by stopping N bound traffic.
Wednesday, June 21st 11:45 PM (approx.) corner of Villane and S.Hunnington: Brian holds ‘walk’ button for five consecutive minutes (approx.) light does not change, he proceeds to try and open up electric panel on light post, Brian reports feeling light shock move up his arm. He leaves half burnt screwdriver at the scene.
Wednesday, June 21st 11:48 PM, crosswalk outside Lane’s Lounge @ 1st and Crumm: Dave reports low traffic volume, continues to inspect traffic for another 5-7 minutes on his official cigarette break.
Wednesday, June 21st 11:59 PM, crosswalk outside Lane’s Lounge @ 1st and Crumm: Dave stops both N and S traffic allowing male pedestrian to cross the street, male pedestrian turns out to be Brian who reports that his watch is broken.
Thursday, June 22nd 12:03 AM: Operations officially cease for the day.
Thursday, June 22nd 8:15 AM (approx.) corner of Lex and Wilson: Brian stops heavy traffic from both W and E so two elderly females can cross, blaring horns and several middle fingers were reported as responses.
Thursday, June 22nd 8:30 AM (approx.) corner of Lex and Wilson:
Brian stops traffic from both W and E so that a male on a bike can cross, a police car was among the stopped cars coming from the W, one of the officers asked Brian if he had a “job.”
Thursday, June 22nd 9 AM (approx.) corner of Lex and Wilson:
Brian reports being hassled about his sash and plastic badge by a couple of neighborhood kids, they refer to him as a “fucktard.”
Thursday, June 22nd 9:11 (approx.) 121 Wilson St: Brian reports finding lost watch in lost and found box at Java Joe’s. He considers it similar enough to his to keep.